Intergenerational Pain has Consequences

Community and connection are the answers to all the challenges we are facing. We can only transform and heal in safety, emotional safety. No one will be open and vulnerable in order to heal when they are not safe. Sadly, many communities are not emotionally safe as many families are not safe either. This lack of safety creates an inherent disconnection from others which then creates and perpetuates the ongoing grief, pain, and dysregulation. Dysregulation is impaired processing emotionally or mentally which then impacts children and others. Impairment can come from old wounds, systemic belief systems, and many other forms of traumas.

For decades, I have been actively involved in my own transformation and healing as well as guiding and mentoring others on their path. The most obvious common denominator of most pain and grief to heal in intergenerational and thus extremely powerful. For many, the pain is so large that they often feel overwhelmed. When asked where it came from, they often cannot pick a particular instance. This tells me that the pain and anger is intergenerational. In other words, they did not start the fire, yet they are charged with either healing the cascading pain or passing it on to the generations to come.

Lateral violence happens often when an oppressed people can finally see some relief from the deep, powerful pain. The generations of grief, pain, separation, and anger must go somewhere, right? Sadly, the anger, which is caused by pain and escalated by fear, is most of what gets attention.

All angry people have pain at the core. Angry people are deeply hurting and often do not know why. This is because the intergenerational transmission has been happening so long that many have not stopped long enough to discern what is really happening within. Our culture has supported medicating this deep intergenerational woundedness with violence, addictions, depression, anxiety, marginalization, and the list continues. Any distraction from taking personal responsibility for your own healing is perpetuating the problems we all are facing. Blame and shame continue to perpetuate the disconnection. Only taking personal responsibility will lead the way.

We live in a culture that has not taught the skills to heal old wounds and to live in a healthier way. There is a great deal of money to be made off the violence and sickness that abounds. Establishing a safe place for people to heal is most necessary. How can anyone heal when they are afraid of being killed, ridiculed, attacked, or otherwise hurt. They will not. Thus, the intergenerational pain and separation continues, building intensity through the generations.

Now what do we do? Do we keep taking sides and right fight our way through life and leave the destruction without resolution for our children and their children? Do we take personal responsibility for our own unresolved intergenerational pain by healing ourselves and our family then extending the safety to others? What are the best actions to take that are aligned for the greater good for everyone?

For me, I choose to honor all the diverse and amazing people in my world. I choose to let them know that they are safe with me and they can exhale and be heard and seen. I choose to do my own inner work and encourage others to do the same. I choose to speak words that support inclusion, honoring and deep abiding respect for all humans.

I thank my mother for teaching me as a young girl to “no judge anyone by their skin color”. I had no idea what she was referring to at the time, yet I listened. I had my first taste to the nasty energy of judgement on this deep level in college. The Middle Eastern students were treated so badly. Then I saw more injustice and I was so grateful that she instilled in me a love for all people. I feel such deep pain about the long-standing injustices in the world between and among races and cultures. There are days that I am speechless and nearly emotionally crippled and then there are others where my inner fire comes out with a focus.

Today, many of my closest friends, colleagues and acquaintances are not like me and I love this fact. I love real diversity that is a deep appreciation and connection with people who are different than me. My world is filled with many great, amazing cultures, beliefs, religions, and races. I deeply value the melting pot that is my world and the freedom we have as a people to build meaningful relationships with anyone.